Mikel Ocean Azure

A SOUL IN SHADES OF BLUE.

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FEELINGS CAN SHOUT.

Posted by cobaltsoul on June 29, 2009 at 10:28 PM

 

Here's something I believe and am still learning to put into practice.


I believe that it's good to FEEL our feelings.


That seems like a stupidly obvious thing to say but, at least in my society, there is huge pressure against men feeling their feelings and, I suspect, huge pressure against ANYONE feeling their feelings.


I think that my feelings have truth in them. My feelings are true.

If I'm feeling happy, thats a truth.

If I'm feeling sad, that's a truth.

If I'm feeling lonely, that's a truth.

If I'm feeling scared, that's a truth.

Seeing as I aspire to honour the truth it's obvious to me that part of that is to honour my feelings, to feel them, to let them express themselves in me, to me.


I think my feelings are talking to me, they tell me what's going on inside me in ways that my thinking does not communicate to me. Just as sensation tells me things that are going on in my body, feelings/emotions tell me things that are going on in my heart and soul. For a healthy body I need to notice and respond to the sensations in my body, so too for emotions and a healthy heart and soul.


I love feeling good and I hate feeling bad.


As a  little kid my situation meant that pretty much all the time I felt bad. If I was going to feel something it was going to be a bad something. I was going to feel sad, scared, bad, ashamed, afraid, judged, little, unimportant, overpowered, etc etc etc.  My response to this, not one I thought thru - I was a tiny little pre-schooler, but all the same it was the choice I made, my unconscious self but still ME, the choice I made was to block off all emotions. I pushed them away.


Now there is a simple truth about the way we function. All parts of me are connected to all other parts of me and I can't just "block out bad feelings". What happens is that when I block out bad feelings I block out ALL feelings.  Just as you can't pick up one end of the stick without picking up the other end as well nor can you block off bad feelings without blocking of the good feelings at the same time. So as a tiny little boy I adopted this strategy of NOT FEELING my feelings and it worked pretty well. I got really good at ignoring how I feel. So good it's bad.


These days I don't want to not feel. These days I want to FEEL, FEEL, FEEL, but my patterns are still there, learned in those first six years of childhood super absorption. My unconscious self still keeps trying to protect me long after I don't want or need to be protected that way.

When I have some things to be sad about in my life I want to grieve them. I want to honour those truths by really feeling them and enduring them and letting them tear up my body and flow thru me and have their say and have their day and then flow away having communicated to me the truths they express about life and people and what matters.


I hate feeling bad but I hate feeling nothing even more.


I believe that to be the most me I can be then I need to feel all the truths inside me. I need to hear what my pain and grief and sorrow need to tell me and the only way I can get that message is to FEEL it till my guts burn and my eyes ache and my heart is exhausted from it's burden of emotions.


Aside from the principle, for me, of honouring truth in my feelings, there is a second very good practical reason to feel my feelings.


If that truth does not come out the natural way, in emotions, then it tries to find other ways to come out, unnatural and unhealthy ways.


Anger buried might come out as depression.

Sorrow buried might come out as dementia.

Fear buried might come out as asthma or allergies.

Stress buried might come out as heart disease.

Feelings buried might come out as weird/self destructive behaviours.

The famous one is the man's midlife crisis, instead of feeling his crap the middle aged man tries to return to the simplicity of his teenage maleness, generally with bad results for everyone concerned.


Our deep self is trying to tell us things it knows are important and if we won't listen then it starts SHOUTING at us, trying to get our attention any way it can.


Our feelings are truths we need to connect to. We connect to them by feeling them, not by thinking about them, not by talking about them, by FEELING them, letting them be what they are.


I believe this but I'm not very good at it yet.


Guess I just need to keep working at doing things differently than I did when I was four.


Peace,

Mikel.

 

 

Categories: Self Aware Other Aware, My Journey, New Wine

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