|Posted by Cobaltsoul on March 18, 2012 at 5:25 AM|
Serendipity is a term conjured up by folk who wanted to recognise how life sometimes throws you strange connections that are totally cool and feel as if "someone" or "something" arranged it for you but you don't want to say something as religious as "God did it".
Regardless of what you call it, we all recognise those moments when life seems to change out of no-where, no warning, no planning, no reason to expect it, just.....POP! something changes and you can feel the difference.
I think I just had one of those days. Hindsight will confirm it but I'm enjoying the moment enough to blog about it so clearly something happened that I am feeling pretty fine and dandy about.
I have chatted with many, many nice women online over the last five years. Even chatted to a few face to face. One woman whom I had many long, honest and playful conversations with somehow slipped from my fingers, or I slipped from her, it's not exactly clear which, to either of us. We stopped chatting and for some reason the attempts we each made to re-connect failed in such a way that we both thought the other person had made a firm decision not to respond to us.
But I never stopped remembering her.
I decided this week that I would write one final email, in what I considered as a hopeless last attempt at re-connecting to the woman who's company I enjoyed the most over the previous five years. I wrote it, I sent it, it arrived, she checked, she read it, she replied. Serendipity, at the time I am thinking most clearly and fondly of her, she is thinking the same way and entirely free to follow thru when my email reaches her.
So, we chatted. The energy is as easy and playful and honest as it ever was. She still thinks I'm handsome (Go figure that one out!). I still find myself watching her vivacious face as if the answer to my deepest questions is hidden in her eyes and her smile.
I could NOT have written that last email. It was such a faint hope in my mind that I could have easily not bothered, never re-connected, never opened the door that just opened...
You have to let things go, if you want them but they just don't happen, especially when the "thing" is a connection to another human being. You cannot live your life as if you are in a fairy tale, waiting decades for your lost love to return. If what you need and want cannot be found in one place, no matter how beautiful and perfect that place might be, then you move on, turn your back, let the memories fade and go in search of somewhere, someone, who CAN share with you the life you want to share. That was the point I wrote that final email. If you like - it was kind of "cleaning house" - checking one last time before letting her go for ever. I was just making sure one last time so I could walk away clean and certain, never look back.
Life is like this, you just don't know what's coming next. Not on the good side, not on the bad side.
It's pretty cool really, no knowing what's next.
It's also terrifying, but maybe most of the time we don't let ourselves feel that terror, who can live in the awareness of "terror" every minute of every day?
I am smiling like a drunk fool, you know the smile I mean? The smile a happy puppy would make if it smiled instead of wagging it's tail.
Yup, something went POP today and I can't stop wagging my tail.
Categories: My Journey